Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Seasons Greetings, etc.

So...I never got around to sending out a Christmas card to anybody. It doesn't mean I don't love you. And if you are reading this, it doesn't mean I do love you (it is an open blog after all). I was going to give an update of all family members, but there is no need. Our kids are cute and awesome. Max is 1/2 demon and 1/2 cutest kid on earth. They make us tired. Work makes us tired. But we are having a good year. A surgeon didn't attempt to kill me...no emergency room visits (knock on wood, there are still a few days left in the year). We added a new member to our family, Pearl the bird who only loves Maura and hisses at me (and ate 2 diamonds out of my ring, damn bird). Oh, and we added Rand's fantastic long hair, which we have all come to love. Some more than others. All in all, it was a pretty good year and I hope yours was too. So...

Rach, Rand, Maura, Collin & Maximus

It looks like I have my kids all under control, but this is the one out of 100 shots that turned out. Here is how most of them turned out:

Me and my lumberjack hippie (looking quite fine I must say)

Oh, update coming soon on the 50 books I read this year. I have to finish the 2 I am reading and I will make it...I actually finished a project, yay!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Eat A Pilgrim

Isn't that Native American at all suspicious that there are 10 hungry white men chasing him? If you go and "Eat Like a Pilgrim" does that mean you have to kill Native Americans? Cause I don't want to.
Have a great Turkey Day next week. I'll forget to post before then I'm sure. But I'm grateful for lots of stuff.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Leave Florence Henderson Out of This!

I just wanted to apologize for the last post. I'm not sure why I was trying to convince you (if anyone still reads this thing) that I'm crazy. You have all met me...I'm pretty sure you don't need convincing that I'm crazy. Rand politely told me to stop telling my "stories" because they all end with me looking crazy. Which I am...I just won't demand you to think that of me again. Needless to say, life is hectic...as it is for most of us. My brain just isn't equipped to deal with normal stress, let along all the other stress that comes with family and jobs and health and kids. But it's all good. It's still me. Although, I did have a dream that I went to get into my [awesome] minivan and Florence Henderson was being eaten by a velociraptor. This is one of those times I shouldn't have shared...right? Damn. Sorry again.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Have a great summer, don't change!!

My life is crazy. I always knew having 3 kids would be crazy, but it is seriously out of control. So I'm just going to go ahead and go with it. I've always been a little "off" or "special" or maybe "obnoxious." This is nothing new, ask my parents. I'm sure they sat up nights trying to decide how they could mold me into something that would survive in society and not be pointed at. But despite the fact that I've always been in the vicinity of crazy town, I'm pretty sure I have settled in right downtown. I used to think I could keep it all together, clean house, laundry done, have a job, be a better than mediocre wife, etc. But I can't. When I got pregnant with Max, I started to feel things sliding. Then he was born and I had to go back to work and a few more of the few sane parts of my brain were absorbed by the crazy, sane-eating parts. Then my surgeon tried to kill me with the old cut-her-intestines-in-half-trick during a routine procedure. And here we are. I'm nuts. I'm not kidding you, I have lost my freaking marbles. The thing is, I know it and I feel like maybe I always had the potential to get here...but I still held on to some hope that I would keep up the facade. Well, it is long gone now. I used to apologize for being loud, telling vulgar jokes, and being too opinionated. Now I just don't think I give a sh*t. My house looks like a tornado blew threw it. There is a train running around me right now. And not in a Bruce Springsteen "Like a freight train track running through the middle of my mind" kind of way. There is literally a train track all around me in the living room. I haven't seen my laundry room floor in a long time and now I'm scared to. I have pieces of goldfish crackers on my sheets and drool in my shoes (could be mine, could be Max's) and I don't think I care. I found a whisk under my bed. I threw my security badge in the garbage. I watched a Lifetime Movie where Jennifer Love Hewitt works at a "massage parlor" to make ends meet and I LIKED IT! I take mannequins to picnics...not to freak people out, but just because I wanted her to come.

People say you can't change, but I did. There is no going back now. Help us all.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Just in Case

I'm still here. Are you? My creativity and desire to write nonsense has waned. I'm hoping it picks back up, I miss MFS. So I don't have much to report on. Work, home, homework, kids, baby is a bulldozer/Frankenstein hybrid. That's my life in a nutshell. A big, chaotic, messy nutshell. I'll be back with a real post someday soon. As soon I finish that laundry. And clean the kitchen. And get to work on time.

Hope you are all well.

Sally, if you are out there, hey! How are you? Long time no see. Well, I never actually saw you, but long time Maura no see. Now I sound like an idiot. And please don't actually answer me. I will pee my pants.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Our Friend Pearl

You know how I feel about animals...I don't much feel for them. More work for me and they smell. But my Maura is an animal lover and she gets everything she wants. Since she is allergic to basically everything we decided on a nice cockatiel she named Pearl. Pearl is okay. I guess we can keep her. I sure did make a little girl pretty darn happy. Her and Pearl are obsessed with each other. If Pearl sees Maura and Maura doesn't get her out and play with her, Pearl lets her know she isn't too happy (with some high pitched shrieks). She is pretty low maintenance so far...so we will see if Pearl gets to stay.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Summer-Bruno Style

So, I am finally getting around to getting this thing updated. Maura is sick and Rand is off at a Family Reunion, so I have some time while I avoid the tornado of messes in my house. Avoiding is one of my better talents. I'd call it procrastination, but I might not do it later either. Just being honest.

We have had tons of fun this summer, and the past two weeks Rand's family has been in from out of town so all the cousins got to play together. It has gone really well. Max loves the attention and we only had to tell Collin once "I know they are laughing, but it isn't okay to talk about your penis in front of other people."

My friend Jina, and her wonderful husband let us take Maura to ride their horses for her birthday. She is severely allergic, but that is all she wanted for her birthday and I couldn't tell her no, so we pumped her full of allergy medication and went for it. She had a huge smile the whole time and was a natural. Her eye did swell shut and she was oozing liquid for the whole night. I asked her if it was still worth it and she (tried) to smile and "YES!" Like there was any question!

Max has been the highlight and the destruction of my sanity this summer. He is so curious, so happy, but so DESTRUCTIVE. he pulls up my flowers, eats the dirt, picks up huge spiders, runs into the road, and other things normal 1 year olds do I guess. But he is so damn cute, how do I get mad?

Collin has really surprised me this summer. Last year we had a few failed attempts at taking him swimming, but we would end up leaving after he kicked and screamed so loud that every other parent was looking at me with that "what are you doing that poor, innocent child" look. This year Rand took him for the first time and waited for the wails of protest to come, but he jumped right in. We even went to Seven Peaks and he didn't cry once. Major victory. He is really such a good kid, despite the inappropriate jokes. He loves an audience and he loves playing his born role as the goofball.

Rand has been busy working, watching the kids and perfecting his Eddie Vedder look-alike. My 14 year old self back in 1993 is so happy about this.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Fishlake 2010

Whew...summer is off to a start. We made our annual pilgrimage to Fishlake (land of my people)Utah last week and it was crazy. The weather went from high 80's to low 50's in a day and luckily we did our camping during the hotter days and stayed in a cabin during the rain. We did a million fun things (counting me smashing my face into the pavement within 30 minutes of being there) but here are some highlights.

We went to the cemetery in a booming town called "Koosharem" where the first Schaugaards to come to America from Norway settled. This is my great-great-great Grandpa's grave who came to Utah with his family in the mid 1800's. He decided to change the spelling from Schougaard to Schaugaard. Hey Neils, while you were at it, couldn't you have taken out an "A" or two, and an "H", or maybe even a "U"? You go to all the trouble to change it and just make and O into an A? Really? You made my pre-married life sorta difficult.

There is this small town, Loa, where for years and years they have had this fake cop in a car on the side of the road. We got out and took some pics of the creepiest dummy cop in the world. I wanted to get in and get my picture next to him, but nobody would let me.

Dan found some cool powder that turned the fire different colors. It was maybe the coolest thing I have ever seen. I am easily impressed.

My baby turned 7 while we were there, even though I explicitly told her not to!

Max was naked most of the time, as he should be. We had a blast and can't wait to go back next year!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Twinkie Twinkie, Little Star

My blogging seems to be waning...I feel like I have ten million thoughts in my head at once and it is just too much work to sort through them all to find something coherent that anybody else would even care to read about. But just for the hell of it, here are a few of those millions of thoughts. Maybe if I get them out it will make room for something worthwhile. Probably not.

  1. My goal to read 50 book is well on track....except that I have just finished up a long list of uber-depressing novels. One about abandoned twins in Ethiopia. One about a slave in 1700's New York. And one about a Nigeria woman trying to escape warfare. All WONDERFUL books. But seriously, maybe I should rethink my boycott on Twilight.
  2. I thought it would be a great idea to have a sleepover on a blow-up mattress with the kiddos tonight. Now I am in the middle of a farting boy and a snoring girl. Sounds peaceful, right? I wonder how many Ambien it will take me to actually get any sleep.
  3. I kinda, sorta held a grasshopper. Okay, it touched my hand for a second and it was about as big as grain of sand, but still. I'm still debating about posting the video. It has Rand yelling at me, me doing this high-pitch annoying voice and Maura yelling "ARE YOU CRYING?!" at me. It might never see the light of day.
  4. Maura is supposed to turn seven in a few weeks, but I think I am going to forbid it. We might end up celebrating six again and calling it good. My baby CANNOT be seven. I won't allow it.
  5. We are going camping for a week with the whole fam. Hmmm...I can't even control Max at home, this sounds like a bad idea.
  6. This guy stopped me at Walmart to talk to me about Twinkies. No joke, just stopped me as I was walking down the aisle and we had a very philosophical conversation about Twinkies. I am anti, in case you were wondering. I usually hate and avoid talking to people, especially at Walmart, but it was the highlight of my day. Thank you old nice man with ten boxes of Twinkies in your cart, but you still didn't convince me that there is anything edible in there. It is all chemicals and plastic.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Maximus Aurelius

Exactly one year ago I was laboring away with little Max. I felt like I was pregnant for 10 years and his first year has flown by. Happy Birthday to my sweet Maximus. We wouldn't be the crazy family we are without you.

Monday, April 12, 2010

He cannot be contained

I have tried many ways to block this child in and he just thinks it is a game to see how fast he can break out. Oh he wears me out.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

My Friend it's a Good Day

Birthdays aren't so bad. 31 isn't so old. But that isn't the problem. The problem is that I feel like I'm 50. I had a rough year and I'm afraid I have wrinkles and an aching body to prove it. Having my 3rd child and a near-death experience was enough for one year. I have hope that 31 will be awesome. No more pregnancies. 3 awesome kids and one amazing husband. No more surgeries. And hopefully some life changes for the better. And maybe some mannequin hands to start the celebrating. Oh, wait.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Mucha Lucha

I am sooooooo glad to be home from Mexico. I contracted the plague (or something similar) and almost died in Mexico City, but I am home and alive. Mexico was actually a blast if I forget about the fever, cough, vomiting, delusions and 20 hour work days. We did find time to fit in some fun and go to the pyramids at Teotihuacan. And I finally was able to put those 10 years of Spanish classes to use.

This is where I almost died at the top of the pyramid of the sun. I wasn't going to go up...but I saw this 80 year-old woman with a cane climbing up and I couldn't be outdone by her, even though I couldn't breathe. But I showed her!

The Goddess of Teotihuacan.

These pyramids date back to 200 BC, they were so cool. But what wasn't cool was the smog in Mexico. I swear I felt like I was eating the air.

Frightening, I know. I bought this Lucha Libre mask for Collin, but I had more fun with it.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Hard Hat Area

Happy Birthday to my friend Collin. He is the funniest boy I know and I can't believe he is 4. He is pretty excited too. We went to McDonald's (where he usually gets stuck at the top of the slide and we have to go in after him) and he sighed and said "I'm big now, I guess I can do it." And he did. And you know what buddy? You are right, your jokes are funnier than daddy's. I hope you had a great day. Life is never boring with you around. I love you more than cheese.

He kept telling us "Grandma is getting me suspenders to hold up my pants!" The only problem was that Grandma didn't really know this, so she went on a hunt for kid's suspenders. He is really excited about the prospect of his pants not falling of his bum, or his lack of bum.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Butterfly In The Sky....

...Actually they are in a net on my kitchen counter and will probably never see the sky, but nonetheless...
We grew butterflies! For Christmas, Maura got one of those kits to grow butterflies. I thought for sure I would kill all of them...we tried this once before and our caterpillar, Marvin (RIP) died before ever making his chrysalis. I hope you turned into a beautiful butterfly in heaven, Marvin (though I am 99% sure he was a moth). Anyway...All of our larvae turned into healthy caterpillars, who turned into creepy chrysalides (plural for chrysalis, betcha didn't know) and all 10 of of them hatched into butterflies. That's right, I didn't kill a one of them! Maura (but mostly me) had a blast watching them transform. That's right, I helped facilitate an amazing transformation here folks. Just sayin'..
This was our first butterfly to hatch.
Apparently they ooze this red junk as part of the process of getting pigment to their wings. I thought it was bleeding to death. It is still pretty gross.
This is Maura holding her beloved butterfly. See that black thing touching her finger? That is the tongue. These things get creepier as we go along.
Collin was initially terrified of these little guys. But he came around and eventually held one. I, on the other hand, still have not.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Ya...It's Like That

My sister-in-law, Heidi, recently wrote a post about lowering your expectations in order to find happiness and peace amidst the chaos of motherhood. She didn't have this realization until she had 5 kids, and I only have 3, but I'm there. With working a full-time job (and then some on certain days) and having three kids, a house and a husband...it is a juggling act that I am not very good at sometimes. Sometimes work suffers and I forget about a project and sometimes the kids suffer and I forget to feed them. And on really special days, like today, you realize you are in a sad state of affairs when it is 11:00 AM and everyone is still in their pajamas, you have to kick things out of your way to make a trail from the living room to the kitchen, your baby eats a pea that has been on the floor anywhere from one day to months, and you feel something on your leg and realize you have had a diaper attached to it. And said diaper has probably been there longer than a few minutes. Tomorrow will be better, right? RIGHT!?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

You Say You Want A Resolution

2010 is going to be good. Cause I have goals.

1. Watch more movies. I just wanted to start off with something I could actually accomplish.
2. Figure out the theme of LOST, therein discovering the meaning of life.
4. Use less disinfecting wipes. It is an addiction.
5. Read 50 books. This will be a challenge because I'm pretty sure the Lehi library doesn't have 50 books that I haven't read. Unless you count the 50 copies of the Twilight Saga. But that isn't going to happen. Donations are welcome.
6. Hold a grasshopper. I'm not kidding people, I'm going to. I will probably pee my pants and throw up but I'm gonna do it. No more baby steps, this fear of mine is out of hand. I will be selling tickets if you would like to witness this miracle. Um, typing it out is making my heart rate go up. Can we find a volunteer paramedic to standby in case I have a heart attack?

I have some more, but I think this is a good start. What are your goals? Talk to me.

Monday, January 11, 2010

My Friend The Dead Construction Worker

I am not sure why dead people show up at our house. They do. Always at night when I am in bed. Collin told me the other night that there was a ghost in the house. I said "really, what does he look like?" He told me that he was a construction worker that started living in our house when it was built. Collin wasn't even born when our house was built. I'm hoping this is just a case of Maura sharing her paranormal experiences with her brother. The good news is that he is a good ghost. The even better news is that I can't see him.