Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Everybody Have Fun Tonight...

 I got high today. Really, really high. It was legal, no worries. I went to the dentist and to my astonishment, I had three cavities...THREE! I am crazy meticulous about dental hygiene, mostly because I hate the dentist.I've had two cavities in my life, and it has been about a decade since the last one, so I don't remember what it is like to get them fixed, but I knew it wouldn't be good. I walk into a dentist office and it is like I lose all common sense and I want to run away, but I also don't want a root canal, so I go. I told him I would only let him fix me if he gave me copious amounts of nitrous oxide. He said that was fine and turned it on. Here is how the rest went; in stream of semi-consciousness style:

I don't think this gas is working. Hey, hygienist lady, this gas isn't working. "okay, I will see if we can turn it up." I still don't know if it is working, but I all of a sudden think I can hear her thoughts so maybe it is working. "Is it working now?" I don't know how to answer this, did I just become mute? Get it together, you are fine, just high. No, I can't feel it yet. Why did I just say that? It IS working, I don't want anymore. I already feel like I'm floating. Wait, my feet aren't on the chair, they are literally floating, I should put them down. Oh, good the dentist is here, now we can start. "Are you feeling it now Rachel, can we start?" No, no I can't feel it, don't start. WHY DO I KEEP SAYING IT ISN'T WORKING? It is working, really really well. And why do I sound so convincing when I say it? My mouth is numb, so that is okay. He just asked me a question. Crap, I forgot how to talk. What did he ask me? Oh ya, um yeth I I feel numb, you can start now, lets get thith over with. Why do I have a lisp? Oh, wow, he turned it up again. Okay, no more talking. They are playing "Everybody Wang Chung tonight." I hate that song. What does it mean? Oh, wait now it is Huey Lewis. Where am I? I think I'm at a dance competition, that would explain the 80's music. No, I'm at the dentist. That's funny. Don't laugh, Rachel, that is just so cliche, laughing while on laughing gas. Wait, now back to dancing. "Open your mouth Rachel." Oh, is that part of the dance? That is strange, but I will open my mouth. "You don't have to open your mouth so much, just relax, Rachel." Oh, man, are they going to deduct points for that? Rachel, you are at the dentist, get a grip. And open your mouth,  don't try and unhinge it. Teetotaler is a strange word. I don't think I've ever used teetotaler in a sentence. I should try. But I don't know what it means. I am so freaking high. I can read everyone's mind. I know how to fix the world's problems. I know the secrets to life! I'm not high, I'm enlightened! I need to remember the secret, the secret to world peace is..."Okay all done Rachel, take some time sitting here until you can get up." Crap! I didn't have time to figure it out. Wait, I still feel high. Hey dentist, could you take the metal thing out of my mouth now, it hurts. "There is nothing in there, we are done. Take your time." Okay, I guess I can drive now. Cars are awesome. I'm glad I don't have to ride a horse home. The cars might hit it. Oh, I'm home now, I don't remember getting here. I can't read Rand's mind. I'm going to sit down now.

End scene.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Don't Worry About A Thing

I worry a lot. A lot, a lot. Apparently this is called anxiety (or so my Dr. says, I don't trust doctors though, I think they are all trying to make me sick so they can run expensive tests and make more money). I told him about my problem of worrying all day and he told me to start writing a worry list.  I thought it was stupid and just a way of him getting my money faster without actually having to solve any of the things I was worried about. But then I thought, I LOVE LISTS! and it actually helped. At first. The theory was that instead of worrying all day about anything and everything, I would save them up in a special worry compartment of my brain (that, by my estimate comprises more than half) and then later, during my special worry time, I would write down everything I had worried about during the day. So for the first few times, I would write down the usual: aliens will land and abduct me or everyone but me, highly-evolved government-made robots would emerge from the ocean, become self aware and crush everyone but leave me running for my life (until they get me in the end, this isn't a movie, the main character dies in ALL my stories). So just your run of the mill worries. But then I would think, if the government can create self-aware robots that go insane and kill everyone instead of protecting them, what else is the government doing? Are they watching me write this and saying "Shit, she figured it out, Mr. so and so, take her out.” Then that made me think my kids would be motherless and that is never good.  However crazy I am, they need me. Mostly to protect them from the robots and aliens. So a few weeks in and my lists were getting to over 100 and I was writing so quickly and sometimes forgetting to breathe and then I would finish my list with a nice anxiety attack, lock myself in the closet and try to conjure up any happy thoughts that might be hidden away in my brain, like how my mom  hides money away in really tricky places and then forgets it is there, only to stumble on it later,or... even better, I would find it and take it. But hopefully nobody else finds my happy thoughts. I need them dammit! Find your own!  So I decided that lists weren't really the way to go. I'm doing better now. The hyperventilating that occurred after the worry list was done have subsided. So I'm back to worrying all day. Much better. Gotta go, need to run the "if aliens attack here is our evacuation plan" drill with the kids again.
The end.
P.S. I am watching "Ancient Aliens" right now and I don't want to watch it, but I can't stop, will someone come and smash in my TV please?

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Like a Fool I Went And Stayed Too Long...

Now I'm wondering if your love's still strong. I'm yours, signed sealed, delivered.

It is a pity nobody is awake to stop me from these late night posts. Anyway, I was at the UPS store and got that song stuck in my head...and apparently it remains there. Along with all the other useless song lyrics that come to me even when I'd rather they didn't.

But really, it has been awhile. I'd say I'm sorry, but It's hard for me to say I'm sorry...and everybody needs a little time away. Dammit. I can't stop. I don't even know if I got that one right. When I was 15 I worked in a chocolate factory (aka sweatshop) and our boss listened to nothing but Chicago and Journey. Every time I hear them I think of chocolate. It wasn't Willy Wonka. But if it was I would hope I would be Charlie. Or Veruca Salt because her name rocks despite the fact that a mediocre band stole it in the 90's.

But I digress. Actually, I don't. I don't have much to say. I think I reached the black hole of social networking and nobody really cares what I have to say.

Not that it will stop me. Here are some random Rachel rants:
  1. Speaking of music, I would just, for the record, like to state my disdain for Coldplay once and for all. I never liked them. I see Chris Martin up there hopping around with his hands in the air and just want to barf. I heard their new song title and I thought it was a joke. "Every teardrop is a waterfall." Or maybe it is every waterfall is a teardrop." It doesn't matter, it has to go down in history as the lamest song title ever. Which goes well with their image.
  2. My daughter asked for a Selena Gomez CD. It still would have been worse if she asked for Coldplay. We have a strict NO DISNEY VENTRILOQUIST DUMMIES in our house, but Rand is nicer than me and pointed out that I once owned a Milli Vanilli tape. Who were actually ventriloquist. Well, minus someone's hand...never mind, you get it.
  3. My little boy went to kindergarten this week. I hear all these moms talk about how happy they are to send their kids away, but I just want him to stay home and not be influenced by the big bad ugly world. And possibly hear Coldplay. Ironically, I'm pretty sure other parents view our family as the definition of "the big bad ugly world."
  4. for actual definition of "Big, Bad, Ugly World, see: "Kardashian." I won't elaborate because I will vomit. When is California going to detach from the US and float into the sea? Not soon enough, that is when.
  5. A few people have told me I shouldn't be so bitter in my blog/facebook posts because I am going to piss someone off and get myself in trouble. That pissed me off. I'm more concerned about that aspect of the situation.
  6. I am old (see #3). Myself and my longtime OFF (only friend forever) Andrea sent our kids off to the same school, hers in 1st grade, mine in 3rd and K. What the hell? Weren't we just barely annoying teenagers who thought we were better than everyone else and that the world was messed up and we had it all figured out? Oh, how things change so drastically.
  7. Last, but not least as a friendly reminder...take the damn stickers of your family stick personas off of your minivan. I saw one today with the mom, dad, kids in their sport's uniforms and names. Do you want to give the child molesters your address and family password too? Seriously?! I realize I am posting this on an open blog where I mention my children. I'm not perfect. But I don't put stickers proclaiming my ability to reproduce on my car either.
To leave you with something uplifting...go read anything by Johnathan Franzen. Genius. And rent "Never Let Me Go." Scared the sh*t out of me. I think it was meant to be a love story, but trust me that is not that part that stayed with me. Wait, that wasn't uplifting. But such a great movie. And I usually hate Keira Knightley. I can't focus on anything but her crooked mouth. Crap, not ending positive. I love Andrew Garfield!!!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Good to see your face again...good to see you

Okay...obscure song lyric this time, but it is late and I'm tired. Neil Young always come to mind at these times of night.
It has been awhile and I feel like I need to catch up, even if just to remind myself what has happened in this whirlwind of a summer so far.
1. I got laid off. It sucked. I freaked out.
2. Freak out lasted 3 days and then I got an offer on a job I applied for a long time ago. They were slow in offering, but it was actually a good thing. I can't say much more on why it was good that I got laid off instead of just leaving. You are all very smart. Just saying.
3. My new employer is WGU, Western Governors University...and I love it. I love getting out of Network Marketing and out of Utah County. Change is good. The people are awesome, the work is hard and challenging and it has been awhile since I have really felt challenged to better myself. Better yet, in 6 months I get to go to school at a ridiculously cheap rate and get the teaching degree I always wanted. Or Marketing. I haven't decided yet. I always wanted to teach highschool despite the fact that I hated my highschool experience and teenagers drive me crazy. But I don't usually go by logic for my life decisions.
4. WGU let me wait 3 weeks to start, so I had about a month of awesome summertime with my kids, and we fit in a lot. We went to Oregon to visit Rand's brother and had a great time. Heidi, if you are reading this, you are amazing and we had the best time. I relaxed, rested my back and had a blast. We went to Cannon beach (think end of Goonies) and we had great weather, played in the sand, and found huge intact sand dollars at low tide. Collin was taken out by a crazy rogue wave, but the sand dollar was worth it, I'm sure. We are still finding sand in his ears and other places.
5. Maura turned 8, despite my explicit instructions to remain 7. She also formed a band. She may correct me later, but I think they are called "Breaking Through Highwires" or BTH for short. There are three members and a manager (older brother of founding member) who gets to make all their decisions. This could end badly. For now they go in the backyard and sing their hearts out and it is awesome. Maura wrote a beautiful song about an owl but she won't let me post it because "MOMMY, IT ISN'T FINISHED YET, I AM STILL RE-WRITING!!!"
6. Collin is crazy. Good crazy, but one crazy, tall, string-bean of a goof ball. All the girls love him, all the boys want to be his friend. He doesn't care because that is just how cool he is. He pretty much wears nothing but his Beatles and Arcade Fire shirts. Can't complain there. He builds things out of random toys and household items items and wants to design buildings and roads one day. Or be in a band. I think that is just for the groupies though. He has his dark side. We went to the cemetery the other day to visit my Grandpa and sister's graves (Maura has had a strange desire to do this for a long time. I despise cemeteries, so resisted, but finally gave in). We should have explained the purpose of our visit. Collin thought we were going to dig up our loved ones and say hello. I didn't want to explain decomposition, so we nicely said no, we won't do that today, let's just leave flowers instead.
7. Max's reign of terror continues. He scares me, I'm not going to lie. I thought he would get better once he learned to talk, but now instead of screaming, he can scream insults. But then he gets cute and cuddly and those blond curls make all the scratch marks and bruises on me seem like a distant memory...
8. Life is crazy. Life is good. Life is insanely, utterly exhausting.
The end.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I'm free...but not in a good way

So, nothing new here to report...just that I am unemployed (not by choice, by layoff) and sort of freaking out. I have never been without job. Even when I quit my job when Maura was born I got a contracting gig 2 months later. I'm sort of lost at the moment and not sure what to do. I have three kids to take care of, but they are so used to me being at work they just sort of do their own thing. I haven't gone into depression mode yet, but I feel it looming. We will be okay for a few months, but then we will be selling our house and then I skip depression mode and go straight to rocking back and forth and muttering to myself stage.

It is strange when you have worked for a company as long as I have. It has been 7 years plus some and you get so used to an environment and then...BAM! See ya later. I felt like I got broken up when I wasn't quite ready to. But they had someone else break up with me for them. But I also don't want to beg them to take me back either. I didn't act very lady like, and I didn't take it very well. In retrospect, maybe I should have just said "OK" and packed stuff up. But that isn't really my style. I didn't go postal or anything, just lots and lots of anger...directed at the wrong people. But I'm okay now and am planning a list of things I will get done until I (hopefully soon) get a job. I hope I don't get done with all of them. It is a long list and I need a job. My kids like to eat, I have health problems and need insurance.

I am figuring that by boss/bosses are reading this. They have mentioned things to me that I have only said on my blog. That's okay, it is an open blog, no crime there. Maybe just creepy, but whatever. I don't really have anything to say to them/they he/she, etc. Okay, that is a lie, I have lots of things in my head, but it wouldn't do any good and for now I am focusing on moving forward and trying to find that teeny tiny optimist in me. I hope it didn't give up and go away. I haven't used it for a long time.

So that is all for now. Oh, and my baby girl turns 8 tomorrow! I was worried about whether I would be able to take a day off for it...but I guess I don't have to worry about that anymore! Pics of her awesome party to come...

So give me a call...let's hang out. Unless you are my boss/bosses, then please don't. But anyone else, I need something to do! I'm already worried about this week and I have only had one day of unemployment so far.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Better Turn the Bass Up on This One..

Let me preface this by saying that I should not be allowed in public. I should be supervised at all times. My lack of filter is going to get me beat up one day.

I had to go to Target, that I used to love, but not so much anymore. I am usually (always) there for a RX refill and end up wandering around getting angry at things. But lets back up, shall we? It all started when I attempted to enter the store. I, thinking crosswalks are for PEOPLE WALKING, almost got run down by a big SUV with a lady in sunglasses more expensive than this computer talking on her phone. She slammed on her brakes and saw me RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER and I yelled "See the lines lady, crosswalk means I walk, you stop!" She couldn't hear me but just rolled her eyes and continued on. Then the pharmacy didn't have my medicine ready (why would they, it is only their job) so I had 30 minutes to kill. After perusing the little girls section and realized that NOTHING there was appropriate for a 7 year old girl, got mad and went to the book section, normally my happy place. But I find 1. A parenting book by Kate Goslin B. 2 books by Lauren Conrad and C. The most heinous of all crimes, A freaking Kardashian "book" right next to a memoir called "The homeless girl's guide." Also, Catcher in the Rye was right underneath. Seriously people? So the natural thing to do was to move the memoir next to Catcher in the Rye and move some lame book by one of the housewives of somewhere famous for nothing next to the Kardashians. It gave me little relief. After 45 minutes I finally got out the door with necessary (obviously) medicine in hand. As I left, with no incident in the crosswalk this time, I noticed some punk kid parked in one of the last handicapped parking stalls. I take this personally. I know many disabled people and I once had casts on both my feet for months and could never find a space because people like this jackass think they are entitled to park there. Not only was he taking the last space closest to the store, he had his "angry" white rap-rock crap blaring from his stereo...with his window down to show everyone how manly he was. I saw a lady get into the handicap stall next to him (she was ACTUALLY handicapped) and she shot a look of disgust to him and I was thinking things in my head then realized I was actually doing and saying them out loud. I tapped his car with my foot and he looked up and I said "You are in a handicap stall dipshit. Being disabled about your music choices don't count." And he stared at me through his side swept bangs and looked shocked that anyone would say anything. I kept walking hoping he wasn't mentally unstable and then lauged in the car at the thought of him telling his girlfriend or boyfriend...oh who are we kidding he was waiting for his girlfriend and trying to look manly, and telling her "This crazy old lady called me a dipshit and then some stuff that didn't make sense." Like I said...I am going to get beat up one day, but sometimes I just can't help myself. Besides, it wasn't like he was going to pop a cap in my ass with his invisible gun. But still. Keep me supervised. At ALL times. And when necessary, slap you hand over my mouth and escort me to my car.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Max 2.0

My Maximus Bruno turned the big 2 on Friday the 13th. We got a good laugh out of that, being that he is sorta a demon in the perfect disguise of an angelic little boy with bright blue eyes and shiny blond hair. And a the laugh of an old chain-smoking woman.

I am hoping that he is just really smart and ahead of the game and his terrible twos happened a year early and they will magically disappear after he is 2. In reality he is just getting started. But we didn't need quiet. Or a clean house. Or sanity. We do without. He has taught me to (attempt) to deal with not having a perfectly clean house, something I'm not used to. He taught me that it's okay if there is goo and unidentified slime everywhere. What could I do but just deal with it? It was good for me. He is still one loved little boy. He was my easiest labor (almost didn't go to the hospital because it didn't hurt). He was and has always been really difficult while awake, but the best sleeper ever. He will crawl in bed himself and pull the covers over his head. I'm just trying to think of the positives here because he has ruined something important to me at least every week of his life since his last birthday. But they are just things. Just really sentimental important things. I have more holes in walls and dings in my furniture and ink on my couches than I did with both of my other kids combined. But Maura and Collin don't mind. They love him and don't let me get too mad at him. And if anything he has driven them closer together when he is too bad for even them. They huddle together and tell each other it will be alright. Collin slept in Maura's room until a few months ago because Max would wake him up every morning by yelling "Juice. Choo choos!! DAAAADY. EEEAT!"

This year had been really hard for me and Max. I have had to work a lot and had to be in bed a lot because of my back. I couldn't lift him most of the year. I missed a lot while traveling and working hard at my job. I felt like maybe we didn't bond because I had less time with him than the other two. So basically what I am saying is that it is Rand's fault he is insane. Actually I love that Rand has such a tight bond with him. It hurts sometimes when he wants Dad instead of Mom, but the other two still come to me so I will let him have it. And when Max is upset it is best the more patient parent attends to him. Let's see, other things he has mastered this year: Well he lost all that chunk that I loved so much. But don't worry, he is still a force to be reckoned with. Oh and the tantrums. Really intense, throw-yourself-on-the-ground-and-gnash-your-teeth kind. But then I get home from work and he runs and hugs me so hard I almost fall over. He usually hits me in the face with a toy 10 minutes later...but maybe I was bad. He is a great climber. He can reach anything. Including lots of stuff I really liked and put up high so he wouldn't ruin them. He has learned to talk, which was a little delayed (just compared to my other kids) but it is coming fast now. He says NO really good. He has always been really good at using body language to tell us what he wants. If he really didn't like what you were suggesting he would put his head on his shoulder and spin around. If he liked it he would lift his head and "yes" though for a long time it sounded like "ass." He helped Maura and Collin grow up a lot. Collin had to adjust to being put second or third and giving in a little just so we could have peace. Maura learned to change diapers, make bottles, put him in bed and make him breakfast. She amazes me and I know Max has made her even better. He is so stubborn I see myself so much in him. He is not flexible and doesn't like a change in plans. He will never be described as easy going like the other two. But that is why he is Max and always his dials are ALWAYS turned to 11. And we love him so much. He made our family complete. I think knowing he is our last child gave us the patience to get through the bad times. He is the caboose to the Bruno family and we ended on one hell of a note. There is only one Max Bruno, so watch out world, he is just getting started.

We love you Maximus. We love your craziness, your energy, your dancing, your scary laugh, and mostly that you are ours. Well maybe not the times you throw yourself on the ground in public and act like an animal being slowly tortured. Those times I say "Hey little boy, where is your mommy?"

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Random Rachel Rants

I've been a little stressed lately and I was trying to think of a way to alleviate it. So...what makes me happy? Ranting and...lists, of course. So here you go.
1. I recently went to the Legacy center to swim with the fam. I've said it before and I will say it again...women, seriously? a. Don't make it easier for the pedophiles to single out your daughter. Cover her up! b. It is all about strategic coverage when you have "problem areas". Just because you are really thin and in theory should look good in a tiny bikini, doesn't mean you do. I cover my stretch marks, please return the favor. c. biking shorts do not a swimsuit bottom make.
2. I have this pet peeve about actors being way too old for the characters they play. There is one show that is a major offender of this: Glee. The two main male characters are 28 years old! That is only 5 years younger than the guy who plays their teacher. The average age of the "highschool kids" in Glee is 26 (yes I looked it up). I can suspend reality enough to believe that a group of teenagers break into song for no apparent reason and have perfect choreography without practicing, but I draw the line at a 28 year olds playing someone who is 16.
3. If you don't like people, don't be a nurse. If you decide to be a nurse anyway, and you treat my mom like crap, I will get in your face beeyatch.
4. Don't ask me how I am doing if you are expecting to hear "fine" every time. Sometimes I'm not fine, and I say so and you stare at me like I'm from another planet. I don't understand. You asked me a question and I told you the truth...so what is the problem here? Just don't ask me if you don't want to know. Problem solved.
5. Toppers. I get it, you have done everything I have, only better. You know everything I know, only more. Worse than a topper? An interuptopper. You insert yourself into a conversation you are (purposefully) left out of only to top me. It is beyond annoying. Insulting people isn't the best way to win friends.
6. My memory has been really bad lately and it is driving me crazy. I forget everything. It isn't bad enough to think it is a medical problem or anything, just bad enough to drive me crazy. So I bought this book on techniques to help your memory. It is a really good book, but it starts off with lots of stories about people and memory in general. Then it goes on to teach you ways to improve your memory. I thought it was really good. Then I forgot all of it. Maybe start with the teaching me to remember things, then go into the stories.
Thanks. I feel better.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Best By Date: Last Week

Over the past few months I've learned something I watched my mom go through more times than I can count. People running out of sympathy for you.
I hurt my back a few months ago, on top of an old gymnastics injury that had been causing me problems and woke up one day with excruciating pain. After 3 weeks, it didn't let up and I had an MRI and went to a specialist. I am going in today for a somewhat new treatment to have the nerves in my lower back burnt off so they don't send pain signals anymore. I'm terrified but excited at the prospect of not having pain. At first people were very sympathetic, they told me about loved ones they watched go through back pain, how horrible it is, etc. Then after a few weeks, less and less people seem to believe you are actually in pain. Some even questioned "Well how would THAT cause so much pain?" Oh, you're right, you know better than me how I feel, thanks for sharing! It seems their mentality is "You look fine, you are at work, you have makeup on and don't look like you are dying...so what is the problem?" You get to the point where people ask you how you are and you want to say "like someone is stabbing my back over and over again every second of every day, thanks for asking." But you say "Fine,thanks." Because deep down, you know they don't get it, they will think you are being dramatic. I have had this conversation with my mom and dad often, as my mom has dealt with chronic pain for decades. I tried to understand and I never doubted her pain, but it really was hard to understand, so I do and don't blame "these people." Okay, that is a lie, I do blame them. Some of them, anyway. I know my pain isn't even close to what people can experience and I have a new found respect for anyone dealing with pain and illnesses every day. So why do we run out of sympathy? Why is there an expiration date on how long we can empathize with someone? Maybe we don't want to admit that deep down we want to say "Just push through the pain, go on with things." Easier said than done. So I'm praying that this extremely painful procedure will lessen these past extremely painful months. And if you see someone who "seems fine" don't underestimate what they can be going through.
Now can someone help me down? This soapbox is super high, and my back hurts. Thanks.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Books and More Books

Wow, needless to say I am running behind on this blog. My life is crazy, and it doesn't seem that it will change anytime soon. Sanity is sooo overrated anyway. At least I hear...from the voices in my head.

So here is my list of books I read in 2010 ...if anyone cares. I just want documentation to prove that I read (and finished) 50 books in 2010. I don't think I will make it my goal again, I saved all my really long books for this year (not cheating...by the way) and will never make it. Instead my goal is to watch 100 movies. I will have to up my Netflix subscription. Oh, and do Lifetime movies count? I love those.

Best Books: READ THEM NOW!
Millennium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson (The Girl Who Played With Fire, etc, etc.) This is an example of why people think Americans are stupid. We write crap books that turn into crap movies..a la Twilight. The Swedes write really provocative, amazing books with interesting characters that turn into great movies-like these books. Then we steal them and turn them into crap movies (or so is my prediction for the American version of these movies).
Starter for 10 by David Nicholls. Seriously, I laughed out loud for this entire book. It is awesome.
One Day, also by David Nicholls. I read this one first, and it isn't as good as Starter for 10, but still amazing.
Last Night in Twisted River by John Irving. My favorite writer and this book was right up there.
Little Bee by Chris Cleave. I recommended this book to most of you. I hope you read it.
In the Lake of the Woods by Tim O'Brien. This was my second reading of this book after about 8 years. It is so amazingly written and innovative.
Mudbound by Hilary Jordan. I also lent this book out to many people.
Shit My Dad Says by Justin Halpern. Don't watch the crap TV show with William Shatner. It is NOTHING like the book. The book is awesomely awesome. I could write one about shit my dad says. It would be almost as vulgar and probably just as funny.
The Winner Stands Alone by Paulo Caelho. He wrote the Alchemist, which I loved. This book is really different, and pretty relevant about celebrities without shoving it down your throat.
Dismantled by Jennifer McMahon. This was one of the most entertaining and easiest to read. It is NOT funny, but very entertaining.
Earth: The Book by my boyfriend, Jon Stewart. I had to include something by him, sorry.
Anthem by Ayn Rand. I have recently become obsessed with her books and philosophy, she really intrigues me, though I don't agree with most of what she says. This book is an easy read (and free on the kindle). I didn't realize how many books have ripped this one off.
The Brief and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz. Heartbreaking and hilarious. My favorite kind of books.

Worst Books:

For the love, don't waste your precious time that you can never get back on these books:
The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown. The only reason I finished this damn book was because I paid $12 for it. Let me save you some time: Masons aren't as interesting as Dan Brown wants them to be. And his writing sucks more than you want it to.
Secrets by Robin Jones Gunn. Okay, I just saw this one in a box at my Grandma's apartment, so I wasn't expecting much. It only sucked so much because it actually started out okay and sucked me in. It was all downhill from there.
Noah's Compass by Anne Tyler. I was excited because I am big fan of most of her books. It was like she took a paragraph from each and just mashed a book together. Not really a good way to go, in my opinion.
Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia. This is an example of how marketing works. The cover looked intriguing, the synopsis made it sound interesting. It started out okay. Then it became like Twilight mixed with Sabrina the Teenage Witch with some crap and then stir the pot. Just because Vampire and Werewolf books sell, doesn't mean people should keep writing them. And they should warn you that this book is only good if you thought Twilight was the great American novel.

I just want to thank these horrible books for giving me hope that I could write a pretty decent book, and even sell millions of copies, without too much effort.

Okay books.
Books you could read and wouldn't be disappointed

Shift by Jennifer Bradbury
Gilead by Marilynne Robinson
Cutting For Stone by Abraham Veghese
Chains by Laurie Haise Anderson
The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger (don't get me wrong, this is one amazing book, but I don't ever ENJOY it, as I hate the main character. But I wouldn't hate him if the writing wasn't so great)
Moonlight Mile by Dennis Lehane
Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk by David Sedaris
The Girl in the Hyacinth Blue-Susan Vreeland
Hitler's Canary by Sandi Toksvig
Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

Eh, Books. Probably don't waste your time.
I'd Know you Anywhere by Laura Lippman
The Sugar House by Laura Lippman (I know, I went back for more)
8 of the Southern Vampire Books by Charlayne Harris. If you want to get it on the Vampire thing, read these. They are like junk food for your brain, but at least written better.
Eating The Dinosaur by Chuck Klosterman Love him, but his stuff is getting stale.
The Whole World Over by Julia Glass
Charles Darwin-Voyaging. It started out interesting but then after like 500 pages with 600 more to go...interesting only gets you so far.

And here are the rest, lots of non-fiction books that were great, but probably just to me.
The Virtue of Selfishness by Ayn Rand
Introduction to Objectivism by Ayn Rand
Goddess of the Market: Ayn Rand and the American Right by Jennifer Burns
Restless Genius: The Story of Virginia Woolf
Tethered by Amy Mackinnon
Prisons We Choose to Live Inside by Doris Lessing
Plague of Doves by Louise Erdirich
Conversations With Myself by Nelson Mandela
Things I've Been silent about by Azar Nafisi
The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis (I only put it down here because I have read it like 5 times)

Okay, I think that is technically 52...GO ME! Seriously, this is a big deal. Although I love to read, I'm shocked I didn't sabotage this because I never finish projects that I start. I think I'm good on goals for a few years. And honestly, I am little read-out. I have read a few books this year, but I keep getting them confused with all the other books still in my head.

THE END. If you were still reading you can stop now.