Saturday, September 3, 2011

Like a Fool I Went And Stayed Too Long...

Now I'm wondering if your love's still strong. I'm yours, signed sealed, delivered.

It is a pity nobody is awake to stop me from these late night posts. Anyway, I was at the UPS store and got that song stuck in my head...and apparently it remains there. Along with all the other useless song lyrics that come to me even when I'd rather they didn't.

But really, it has been awhile. I'd say I'm sorry, but It's hard for me to say I'm sorry...and everybody needs a little time away. Dammit. I can't stop. I don't even know if I got that one right. When I was 15 I worked in a chocolate factory (aka sweatshop) and our boss listened to nothing but Chicago and Journey. Every time I hear them I think of chocolate. It wasn't Willy Wonka. But if it was I would hope I would be Charlie. Or Veruca Salt because her name rocks despite the fact that a mediocre band stole it in the 90's.

But I digress. Actually, I don't. I don't have much to say. I think I reached the black hole of social networking and nobody really cares what I have to say.

Not that it will stop me. Here are some random Rachel rants:
  1. Speaking of music, I would just, for the record, like to state my disdain for Coldplay once and for all. I never liked them. I see Chris Martin up there hopping around with his hands in the air and just want to barf. I heard their new song title and I thought it was a joke. "Every teardrop is a waterfall." Or maybe it is every waterfall is a teardrop." It doesn't matter, it has to go down in history as the lamest song title ever. Which goes well with their image.
  2. My daughter asked for a Selena Gomez CD. It still would have been worse if she asked for Coldplay. We have a strict NO DISNEY VENTRILOQUIST DUMMIES in our house, but Rand is nicer than me and pointed out that I once owned a Milli Vanilli tape. Who were actually ventriloquist. Well, minus someone's hand...never mind, you get it.
  3. My little boy went to kindergarten this week. I hear all these moms talk about how happy they are to send their kids away, but I just want him to stay home and not be influenced by the big bad ugly world. And possibly hear Coldplay. Ironically, I'm pretty sure other parents view our family as the definition of "the big bad ugly world."
  4. for actual definition of "Big, Bad, Ugly World, see: "Kardashian." I won't elaborate because I will vomit. When is California going to detach from the US and float into the sea? Not soon enough, that is when.
  5. A few people have told me I shouldn't be so bitter in my blog/facebook posts because I am going to piss someone off and get myself in trouble. That pissed me off. I'm more concerned about that aspect of the situation.
  6. I am old (see #3). Myself and my longtime OFF (only friend forever) Andrea sent our kids off to the same school, hers in 1st grade, mine in 3rd and K. What the hell? Weren't we just barely annoying teenagers who thought we were better than everyone else and that the world was messed up and we had it all figured out? Oh, how things change so drastically.
  7. Last, but not least as a friendly reminder...take the damn stickers of your family stick personas off of your minivan. I saw one today with the mom, dad, kids in their sport's uniforms and names. Do you want to give the child molesters your address and family password too? Seriously?! I realize I am posting this on an open blog where I mention my children. I'm not perfect. But I don't put stickers proclaiming my ability to reproduce on my car either.
To leave you with something uplifting...go read anything by Johnathan Franzen. Genius. And rent "Never Let Me Go." Scared the sh*t out of me. I think it was meant to be a love story, but trust me that is not that part that stayed with me. Wait, that wasn't uplifting. But such a great movie. And I usually hate Keira Knightley. I can't focus on anything but her crooked mouth. Crap, not ending positive. I love Andrew Garfield!!!


Mandy said...

Dear Rachel:

1. I love your posts, all of them, even when they are replies to my music choices and you are making fun of me.

2. I promise to never ever mention Coldplay and/or post a Coldplay song on my FB. My blog on the other hand, well, I make no promises there!

3. You are not old. Call me when you oldest is turning 18, and you have to color your hair almost weekly to hide all the grey.

4. Thanks to this post, I now know if I ever want to hurt you deeply, I should kidnap your kids and make them listen to every Coldplay song ever made, and then send them home.

Thanks for the laughs!

Karrie said...

I wanted to let you know that I love your rants so please keep them coming. You are so right on with so many things. Also I agree with you with those annoying as hell stick figures on the back of cars. Argh! (but I do like coldplay. Sorry!)

Kelsey K. Hartley said...

Love the Twitter graphic!

Olivia said...

"You know how I know you're gay? You like Coldplay" --Knocked Up

Loved this post- this is the first time I have come across your blog but I will definitely be back.

And in defense of Coldplay (no, really, hear me out), have you ever seen the U.K. series "Extras"? There is an awesome episode where Chris Martin plays himself and has a great sense of humor about. It's actually really funny and made me respect him a little more (doesn't mean I have to like his music, though).

i'm erin. said...

RAchel, you are freaking hilarious. Please post more!

Rachel said...

Thank you ladies, I'm glad someone finds my ranting worth reading. Sorry the posts have slowed down. My last job allowed me more time for that I actually have to work and only post sporatically in the middle of the night. Check back soon....

Olivia, just so you know, I usually delete stranger's comments, mostly because they are creepy and/or invlove inapropriate propositions. But you quoted Knocked up and referenced Extras, which I LOVE. You may come back anytime you want!

Olivia said...

Rachel: I'm so honored that you are not deleting my comment! As a token of my appreciation, I promise to try to only post interesting, witty comments. (With the exception of this one, which is kinda boring...)

Keep up the great writing! said...

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