Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Everybody Have Fun Tonight...

 I got high today. Really, really high. It was legal, no worries. I went to the dentist and to my astonishment, I had three cavities...THREE! I am crazy meticulous about dental hygiene, mostly because I hate the dentist.I've had two cavities in my life, and it has been about a decade since the last one, so I don't remember what it is like to get them fixed, but I knew it wouldn't be good. I walk into a dentist office and it is like I lose all common sense and I want to run away, but I also don't want a root canal, so I go. I told him I would only let him fix me if he gave me copious amounts of nitrous oxide. He said that was fine and turned it on. Here is how the rest went; in stream of semi-consciousness style:

I don't think this gas is working. Hey, hygienist lady, this gas isn't working. "okay, I will see if we can turn it up." I still don't know if it is working, but I all of a sudden think I can hear her thoughts so maybe it is working. "Is it working now?" I don't know how to answer this, did I just become mute? Get it together, you are fine, just high. No, I can't feel it yet. Why did I just say that? It IS working, I don't want anymore. I already feel like I'm floating. Wait, my feet aren't on the chair, they are literally floating, I should put them down. Oh, good the dentist is here, now we can start. "Are you feeling it now Rachel, can we start?" No, no I can't feel it, don't start. WHY DO I KEEP SAYING IT ISN'T WORKING? It is working, really really well. And why do I sound so convincing when I say it? My mouth is numb, so that is okay. He just asked me a question. Crap, I forgot how to talk. What did he ask me? Oh ya, um yeth I I feel numb, you can start now, lets get thith over with. Why do I have a lisp? Oh, wow, he turned it up again. Okay, no more talking. They are playing "Everybody Wang Chung tonight." I hate that song. What does it mean? Oh, wait now it is Huey Lewis. Where am I? I think I'm at a dance competition, that would explain the 80's music. No, I'm at the dentist. That's funny. Don't laugh, Rachel, that is just so cliche, laughing while on laughing gas. Wait, now back to dancing. "Open your mouth Rachel." Oh, is that part of the dance? That is strange, but I will open my mouth. "You don't have to open your mouth so much, just relax, Rachel." Oh, man, are they going to deduct points for that? Rachel, you are at the dentist, get a grip. And open your mouth,  don't try and unhinge it. Teetotaler is a strange word. I don't think I've ever used teetotaler in a sentence. I should try. But I don't know what it means. I am so freaking high. I can read everyone's mind. I know how to fix the world's problems. I know the secrets to life! I'm not high, I'm enlightened! I need to remember the secret, the secret to world peace is..."Okay all done Rachel, take some time sitting here until you can get up." Crap! I didn't have time to figure it out. Wait, I still feel high. Hey dentist, could you take the metal thing out of my mouth now, it hurts. "There is nothing in there, we are done. Take your time." Okay, I guess I can drive now. Cars are awesome. I'm glad I don't have to ride a horse home. The cars might hit it. Oh, I'm home now, I don't remember getting here. I can't read Rand's mind. I'm going to sit down now.

End scene.



7 comments:

lschaug said...

Rach you need to write a book about the thoughts in your head. I dont know if anybody but us left wing liberal nut jobs would understand the humor but it would be one hell of a book.

Lars

Sylvia said...

I can't believe I ride horses on roads with people like you.

TheOneTrueSue said...

I read this last night and stood at my counter giggling. Then I made my husband read it and when he only smiled, rather than laughed, I smacked him. Because - FUNNY.

Rachel said...

Lars, did you just call your own daughter a nut job? I think you meant it as a compliment though, so thanks. And I don't know if anyone wants to know what is in my head. I don't even want those thoughts in there. That is why I write them...to get rid of them. And...what is this humor you speak of? I wasn't trying to be funny. Now I'm crying. Buy me something and I will feel better.

Team O'Connor said...

Hahahahaha. That is the best description of nitrous. Remember the dentist in the XanGo building? I went there and demanded laughing gas for each and every cleaning. I love it. Towards the end I always get a little paranoid though. Hahaha. I can't believe they let you drive after all that! I'm glad you got home safe :)

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