Leave Florence Henderson Out of This!

I just wanted to apologize for the last post. I'm not sure why I was trying to convince you (if anyone still reads this thing) that I'm crazy. You have all met me...I'm pretty sure you don't need convincing that I'm crazy. Rand politely told me to stop telling my "stories" because they all end with me looking crazy. Which I am...I just won't demand you to think that of me again. Needless to say, life is hectic...as it is for most of us. My brain just isn't equipped to deal with normal stress, let along all the other stress that comes with family and jobs and health and kids. But it's all good. It's still me. Although, I did have a dream that I went to get into my [awesome] minivan and Florence Henderson was being eaten by a velociraptor. This is one of those times I shouldn't have shared...right? Damn. Sorry again.

Have a great summer, don't change!!

My life is crazy. I always knew having 3 kids would be crazy, but it is seriously out of control. So I'm just going to go ahead and go with it. I've always been a little "off" or "special" or maybe "obnoxious." This is nothing new, ask my parents. I'm sure they sat up nights trying to decide how they could mold me into something that would survive in society and not be pointed at. But despite the fact that I've always been in the vicinity of crazy town, I'm pretty sure I have settled in right downtown. I used to think I could keep it all together, clean house, laundry done, have a job, be a better than mediocre wife, etc. But I can't. When I got pregnant with Max, I started to feel things sliding. Then he was born and I had to go back to work and a few more of the few sane parts of my brain were absorbed by the crazy, sane-eating parts. Then my surgeon tried to kill me with the old cut-her-intestines-in-half-trick during a routine procedure. And here we are. I'm nuts. I'm not kidding you, I have lost my freaking marbles. The thing is, I know it and I feel like maybe I always had the potential to get here...but I still held on to some hope that I would keep up the facade. Well, it is long gone now. I used to apologize for being loud, telling vulgar jokes, and being too opinionated. Now I just don't think I give a sh*t. My house looks like a tornado blew threw it. There is a train running around me right now. And not in a Bruce Springsteen "Like a freight train track running through the middle of my mind" kind of way. There is literally a train track all around me in the living room. I haven't seen my laundry room floor in a long time and now I'm scared to. I have pieces of goldfish crackers on my sheets and drool in my shoes (could be mine, could be Max's) and I don't think I care. I found a whisk under my bed. I threw my security badge in the garbage. I watched a Lifetime Movie where Jennifer Love Hewitt works at a "massage parlor" to make ends meet and I LIKED IT! I take mannequins to picnics...not to freak people out, but just because I wanted her to come.

People say you can't change, but I did. There is no going back now. Help us all.

Just in Case

I'm still here. Are you? My creativity and desire to write nonsense has waned. I'm hoping it picks back up, I miss MFS. So I don't have much to report on. Work, home, homework, kids, baby is a bulldozer/Frankenstein hybrid. That's my life in a nutshell. A big, chaotic, messy nutshell. I'll be back with a real post someday soon. As soon I finish that laundry. And clean the kitchen. And get to work on time.

Hope you are all well.

Sally, if you are out there, hey! How are you? Long time no see. Well, I never actually saw you, but long time Maura no see. Now I sound like an idiot. And please don't actually answer me. I will pee my pants.

Rach

Our Friend Pearl

You know how I feel about animals...I don't much feel for them. More work for me and they smell. But my Maura is an animal lover and she gets everything she wants. Since she is allergic to basically everything we decided on a nice cockatiel she named Pearl. Pearl is okay. I guess we can keep her. I sure did make a little girl pretty darn happy. Her and Pearl are obsessed with each other. If Pearl sees Maura and Maura doesn't get her out and play with her, Pearl lets her know she isn't too happy (with some high pitched shrieks). She is pretty low maintenance so far...so we will see if Pearl gets to stay.

Summer-Bruno Style

So, I am finally getting around to getting this thing updated. Maura is sick and Rand is off at a Family Reunion, so I have some time while I avoid the tornado of messes in my house. Avoiding is one of my better talents. I'd call it procrastination, but I might not do it later either. Just being honest.

We have had tons of fun this summer, and the past two weeks Rand's family has been in from out of town so all the cousins got to play together. It has gone really well. Max loves the attention and we only had to tell Collin once "I know they are laughing, but it isn't okay to talk about your penis in front of other people."

My friend Jina, and her wonderful husband let us take Maura to ride their horses for her birthday. She is severely allergic, but that is all she wanted for her birthday and I couldn't tell her no, so we pumped her full of allergy medication and went for it. She had a huge smile the whole time and was a natural. Her eye did swell shut and she was oozing liquid for the whole night. I asked her if it was still worth it and she (tried) to smile and "YES!" Like there was any question!



Max has been the highlight and the destruction of my sanity this summer. He is so curious, so happy, but so DESTRUCTIVE. he pulls up my flowers, eats the dirt, picks up huge spiders, runs into the road, and other things normal 1 year olds do I guess. But he is so damn cute, how do I get mad?

Collin has really surprised me this summer. Last year we had a few failed attempts at taking him swimming, but we would end up leaving after he kicked and screamed so loud that every other parent was looking at me with that "what are you doing that poor, innocent child" look. This year Rand took him for the first time and waited for the wails of protest to come, but he jumped right in. We even went to Seven Peaks and he didn't cry once. Major victory. He is really such a good kid, despite the inappropriate jokes. He loves an audience and he loves playing his born role as the goofball.

Rand has been busy working, watching the kids and perfecting his Eddie Vedder look-alike. My 14 year old self back in 1993 is so happy about this.

Fishlake 2010

Whew...summer is off to a start. We made our annual pilgrimage to Fishlake (land of my people)Utah last week and it was crazy. The weather went from high 80's to low 50's in a day and luckily we did our camping during the hotter days and stayed in a cabin during the rain. We did a million fun things (counting me smashing my face into the pavement within 30 minutes of being there) but here are some highlights.

We went to the cemetery in a booming town called "Koosharem" where the first Schaugaards to come to America from Norway settled. This is my great-great-great Grandpa's grave who came to Utah with his family in the mid 1800's. He decided to change the spelling from Schougaard to Schaugaard. Hey Neils, while you were at it, couldn't you have taken out an "A" or two, and an "H", or maybe even a "U"? You go to all the trouble to change it and just make and O into an A? Really? You made my pre-married life sorta difficult.

There is this small town, Loa, where for years and years they have had this fake cop in a car on the side of the road. We got out and took some pics of the creepiest dummy cop in the world. I wanted to get in and get my picture next to him, but nobody would let me.

Dan found some cool powder that turned the fire different colors. It was maybe the coolest thing I have ever seen. I am easily impressed.

My baby turned 7 while we were there, even though I explicitly told her not to!

Max was naked most of the time, as he should be. We had a blast and can't wait to go back next year!

Twinkie Twinkie, Little Star

My blogging seems to be waning...I feel like I have ten million thoughts in my head at once and it is just too much work to sort through them all to find something coherent that anybody else would even care to read about. But just for the hell of it, here are a few of those millions of thoughts. Maybe if I get them out it will make room for something worthwhile. Probably not.

1. My goal to read 50 book is well on track....except that I have just finished up a long list of uber-depressing novels. One about abandoned twins in Ethiopia. One about a slave in 1700's New York. And one about a Nigeria woman trying to escape warfare. All WONDERFUL books. But seriously, maybe I should rethink my boycott on Twilight.
2. I thought it would be a great idea to have a sleepover on a blow-up mattress with the kiddos tonight. Now I am in the middle of a farting boy and a snoring girl. Sounds peaceful, right? I wonder how many Ambien it will take me to actually get any sleep.
3. I kinda, sorta held a grasshopper. Okay, it touched my hand for a second and it was about as big as grain of sand, but still. I'm still debating about posting the video. It has Rand yelling at me, me doing this high-pitch annoying voice and Maura yelling "ARE YOU CRYING?!" at me. It might never see the light of day.
4. Maura is supposed to turn seven in a few weeks, but I think I am going to forbid it. We might end up celebrating six again and calling it good. My baby CANNOT be seven. I won't allow it.
5. We are going camping for a week with the whole fam. Hmmm...I can't even control Max at home, this sounds like a bad idea.
6. This guy stopped me at Walmart to talk to me about Twinkies. No joke, just stopped me as I was walking down the aisle and we had a very philosophical conversation about Twinkies. I am anti, in case you were wondering. I usually hate and avoid talking to people, especially at Walmart, but it was the highlight of my day. Thank you old nice man with ten boxes of Twinkies in your cart, but you still didn't convince me that there is anything edible in there. It is all chemicals and plastic.

Maximus Aurelius

Exactly one year ago I was laboring away with little Max. I felt like I was pregnant for 10 years and his first year has flown by. Happy Birthday to my sweet Maximus. We wouldn't be the crazy family we are without you.