Saturday, July 14, 2012

Just Breathe, continue

I lost my sarcasm for awhile. It will be back, it just needed some time off. Rand and I both have friends who lost children and other loved ones in the past year or so. It isn't fair and I get angry both at the loss and people thinking their words or advice will fix a grieving mother's pain. My mom lost a daughter before I was born and still mourns her today. I wish I had a superpower that would help. It won't. I have no idea how you help them. I was feeling so sad because Collin was diagnosed with Tourette's this week. I knew it was coming, but I still can't help be saddened by the difficult road he will face. But I still have him. I wouldn't trade any of it, because he is mine and is meant to be this way. Already I see Maura become his fierce Protector and he grows stronger and weaker at the same time. And I feel I have lost nothing and feel guilt for feeling I had in any way lost him, I haven't. He is still my Collin. My sweet, beautiful boy. And if you even look like you will make fun of him, his big sister will kick your teeth in. Things are just fine with the Brunos. With our friends who lost more than I can imagine...I never know the right thing to say. I don't want to say the wrong thing and so I say too little. I hope all of you who have lost someone and had to deal with me, I just wasn't built to comfort people. So I am sorry and I hope you can take it one step at a time. I, Despite popular belief,was programmed to feel emotions other than sarcasm (still not sure that is an emotion) and anger. Rach

9 comments:

Katie Lane said...

I feel the exact same way about death. So sorry you've had to deal with all of that.

Adam has a good friend who has Tourette's. I don't know if you'd want to talk to him on how he has dealt with it, but I could put you in contact with him. Collin is lucky to have you guys as a family. He will do fantastic with any thing thrown his way because he has such wonderful people backing him up, helping him out and supporting him.

Good luck on this next adventure. I wish we had spent more time together, life is crazy. I love hearing about all your adventures. I think you are fantastic. All the best!

Team O'Connor said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your son. Of course there is always someone who has suffered more, but it doesn't mean that you're not suffering. It's okay to feel grief when others are dealing with more. My sister's son was just diagnosed with diabetes and it's sad because he has to get 4 shots a day and test his blood sugar several times too. It's not fun watching him have to deal with that but at least they figured it out and he's still here. Anyway, I'm not good at comforting either but don't feel bad for feeling bad. Your trials are hard too.

Rachel said...

Thanks Carrie. I am hard to deal with anyway, but when people give me their opinion of MY son, I want to punch them. "put him on meds! Don't put him on meds! He isn't REALLY sick, you are being dramatic. If you yell enough he will get better. I can cure him with hypnotism!" I know most are trying to help. My frien who lost her son, everyone wants to be the one who says the perfect thing. You can't. I saw the news and cried. I saw the coffin and my knees buckled. I couldn't talk to her because I couldn't make her feel better and I didn't want to make her feel worse. But I still feel guilty for complaining. I cant even imagine.

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Ashley said...

I really love you. Did I ever tell you that? :) I'm sorry you're going through this trial. I don't have any words.

Can I come visit you in Texas someday?

szasz sebes paul said...

Cool blog you have

awkward. said...

best blog!

Team O'Connor said...

Dear Rachel,
I need you to keep blogging 'cause I miss it.

Brandy Jiang said...

fighting.


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