Just Breathe, continue

I lost my sarcasm for awhile. It will be back, it just needed some time off. Rand and I both have friends who lost children and other loved ones in the past year or so. It isn't fair and I get angry both at the loss and people thinking their words or advice will fix a grieving mother's pain. My mom lost a daughter before I was born and still mourns her today. I wish I had a superpower that would help. It won't. I have no idea how you help them. I was feeling so sad because Collin was diagnosed with Tourette's this week. I knew it was coming, but I still can't help be saddened by the difficult road he will face. But I still have him. I wouldn't trade any of it, because he is mine and is meant to be this way. Already I see Maura become his fierce Protector and he grows stronger and weaker at the same time. And I feel I have lost nothing and feel guilt for feeling I had in any way lost him, I haven't. He is still my Collin. My sweet, beautiful boy. And if you even look like you will make fun of him, his big sister will kick your teeth in. Things are just fine with the Brunos. With our friends who lost more than I can imagine...I never know the right thing to say. I don't want to say the wrong thing and so I say too little. I hope all of you who have lost someone and had to deal with me, I just wasn't built to comfort people. So I am sorry and I hope you can take it one step at a time. I, Despite popular belief,was programmed to feel emotions other than sarcasm (still not sure that is an emotion) and anger. Rach

Silly Sally

I just finished watching this great series called "Being Human" about a vampire, a werewolf and a ghost named Sally all living in a house. It is fantastic, you should watch it. Not at all like anything I've seen about the usual suspects. I was a bit disturbed by the ghost Sally, she is mad at first because she is dead and stuff, and her name is freaking Sally the Ghost. The truth is, I know everyone thinks it is just a funny story that my children seem to see the undead and I have always believed that they are just so damn smart that they had to invent other people to talk to that would understand them. But I've had it with the ghost stories in my house. Rand has been going back and forth to Texas until we move and I hate being in my room alone. It seems to be the "hotspot" of activity. And I swear if my sister offers to see if a girl named Sally died on one of the old farms nearby, she will be the next ghost!

 The truth is that it seems all my kids are a bit haunted, although they seem a lot less disturbed by it. Maura still speaks kindly of her friend Sally and said "Isn't she the one that was adopted?" Yes, she was in fact adopted by another "invisible" couple because I didn't accept her into my home. For weeks after I had to send Sally money and fake money wouldn't do. I actually put money in an envelope and addressed it to "invisible Sally" I was forbidden to use fake money (or the word imaginary), which makes no sense to me at all. What is an invisible girl going to do with real money? (Buy clothes and stuff mommy!) I always had to run out before the mailman got there and get my money back. Maura only remembers the good times with Sally and the owl that lived in our living room. All I remember is the day Maura told me that Sally told her something that made her scared and she was crying for hours before she would tell me. Finally she said that Sally had promised Maura that "she wouldn't live to have many birthdays or get very old." And Maura believed her friend Sally. So that is when I kicked her out the first time. Now Max is seeing dark guys in his room and Collin is constantly "hearing something." Crap, as soon as I typed that, I heard something downstairs. The first thing Max says when he wakes up is if the dark guys have been to see him. At first he said they scared him, but now he says they don't. Collin and I are the only ones afraid and I can't tell him that I'm afraid, I'm the mom in this story! My doctor said that it is normal with imaginative kids, but is it normal to push an empty swing, pull an empty bike, celebrate the birthday of an imaginary...sorry, I mean invisible friend? The doctor said if kids don't watch a lot of TV, they make up their own stories, that is why there aren't as many kids with Sallys around. But my kids watch tons of TV! I've encouraged it. After Sally left we briefly had another friend named Brooklyn. She was boring though and didn't make the clock turns or tell my daughter she would soon die. I just hope Max's friends go away soon. Is 3 just the magical year when kids see ghosts? Isn't 3:00 the witching hour? Okay, freaking myself out now. I don't believe in this crap. Even if there is no way to explain why Maura to this day still describes Sally exactly as she did when she was 3 and 4. And exactly the way she drew her, in a long white nightgown. Sally, please stay in this house, please. Unless we rent it, cause I need tenants. But if we sell, please feel free to move in to the Master bedroom. My peace offering to you. And to the dark guys if they are with you. Ya, I'm talking to a ghost. I haven't had a job for a few months and it has freed up room in my head, okay?

Goodnight. Sleep tight. Silly Sally won't bite.



FYI, I am going to delete this picture real soon, I could barely paste it without cringing.

Thursday I don't Care About You

Disclaimer: It is 5:00 am and I have been awake for awhile. Usually I'm miserable at these times but I just realized that they replay old episodes and new ones of 120 minutes on MTV at this time. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you missed out. Robert Smith really pulled off that look back in the day. Also, you aren't as old as me. It was a magical time, the 90's. There weren't reality shows and products being thrown at you every second of every day. Still, I wouldn't go back to highschool for all the money in the world. I had purple hair for goodness sake. Nobody pulls off purple hair.

So fast forward a few decades and I am sitting in my house with a husband and three sleeping kids. Does anyone else ever stop and think about where they are and just totally lose their sh*t? Sometimes I just realize that I am responsible for 3 lives and it really freaks me out. I realized the other day that I hadn't washed my hair in 5 days. And I ate fritos and oreos for breakfast. I can't raise kids! I was at the store and one of the kids yelled "MOMMY!" and I'm like, wait, that is for me! I'm a mom! How did this happen-how did someone agree to have children with me...willingly?  I'm not ready! I guess it is about 9 years too late for that though. I do, however, quite like those little people of mine. Even monster Max, ruler of the Brunos. He is exploring his vocal cords and the different noises he can yell at me when he is angry. We are really having fun with this experiment. He figured out that I can't lift him into time out so he puts up quite the fight.

Collin is about the opposite of Max in every way. He is Mr. Sensitive who decided sports weren't for him and he would rather sing songs and ride a skateboard while perfecting his hair flip for the ladies. Also, he is too old to call me Mommy, so it is just Mom. Don't forget it either.

Maura continues to defy logic by being the perfect child, despite the fact that I am raising her. Sometimes she comes home and I want to go and do something with her, but she won't allow it because she has more important things, like homework to do. And she trained Pearl the bird to say hello by lifting one foot (talon?) when you say "Hi Pearl!" I'm not that impressed because she still waits to take a crap until I'm holding her. (Pearl, not Maura).

So obviously I am still unemployed. It's okay though, I've had lots of time to lay around in my pajamas. Mostly because I realized that I don't own any casual clothes because I have worked in an office for the past 14 years. So I spend my days now in pajamas/work out clothes going to physical therapy. I don't much care for it. Call me crazy, but being tortured 2-3 times per week is just not my idea of fun. Plus their playlist to a healthier you includes Richard Marx and Enya. My physical therapist, Bob, is great. He isn't very chatty, but I will take a doctor that is good over a nice one any day of the week. I once had a nice doctor. And he almost killed me. My back/pain doctor is super nice. But there is something about someone saying "there isn't really much we can do for you, but have a great day!" in a really chipper voice that makes you want to take all the needles they shoved into you and put them into his eyeballs. I'm not going to, cause he is REALLY nice, but still. I can never tell if it is good news or not because the delivery is always the same and he always seems super excited to tell me how I'm never going to get better.

Anyway, I've really missed these middle of the night  posts (I realize people get up at this hour, but I can't relate to them because 5:00 is still the middle of the freaking night). I think it is time to go to bed when you think the Fray video isn't so bad.

Over and out.

Bad Romance

I bet you have been wondering where I have been lately. My family has been too. I've been at work for the past 7 months and not really anywhere else. You know how it is, you find an employer, you start dedicating all your time to them because you think they care about you as much as you care about them. Then you realize they are sort of mean sometimes. But maybe it is your fault, you just need to do better. So you start hanging out more and even when you are home you are thinking about work instead of other things. And your friends try and tell you that it isn't healthy, but you don't listen...at first. But the red flags are there. You see that this isn't a mutual thing. They don't care about you. They are just using you and you can never be enough for them. I was in denial for a long time, but I finally cut the ties and we broke up. I thought it would be hard to be alone without a job, but it isn't. I realized it just wasn't a healthy relationship. And the good times weren't enough to justify the bad times. And although I don't really know what to do with all of my spare time, I'm trying to stay busy. I don't know if I'm ready for a new company yet. I think I need some time to just be Rachel. And then maybe when I have healed I will go look for the ONE. The right one that respects me and treats me well. Because I deserve that.

So ya, I quit my job. I haven't been this happy in a long time. I LOVE staying home. I know it will end, but I'm enjoying it now. Max has even stopped calling me Daddy.

Everybody Have Fun Tonight...

 I got high today. Really, really high. It was legal, no worries. I went to the dentist and to my astonishment, I had three cavities...THREE! I am crazy meticulous about dental hygiene, mostly because I hate the dentist.I've had two cavities in my life, and it has been about a decade since the last one, so I don't remember what it is like to get them fixed, but I knew it wouldn't be good. I walk into a dentist office and it is like I lose all common sense and I want to run away, but I also don't want a root canal, so I go. I told him I would only let him fix me if he gave me copious amounts of nitrous oxide. He said that was fine and turned it on. Here is how the rest went; in stream of semi-consciousness style:

I don't think this gas is working. Hey, hygienist lady, this gas isn't working. "okay, I will see if we can turn it up." I still don't know if it is working, but I all of a sudden think I can hear her thoughts so maybe it is working. "Is it working now?" I don't know how to answer this, did I just become mute? Get it together, you are fine, just high. No, I can't feel it yet. Why did I just say that? It IS working, I don't want anymore. I already feel like I'm floating. Wait, my feet aren't on the chair, they are literally floating, I should put them down. Oh, good the dentist is here, now we can start. "Are you feeling it now Rachel, can we start?" No, no I can't feel it, don't start. WHY DO I KEEP SAYING IT ISN'T WORKING? It is working, really really well. And why do I sound so convincing when I say it? My mouth is numb, so that is okay. He just asked me a question. Crap, I forgot how to talk. What did he ask me? Oh ya, um yeth I I feel numb, you can start now, lets get thith over with. Why do I have a lisp? Oh, wow, he turned it up again. Okay, no more talking. They are playing "Everybody Wang Chung tonight." I hate that song. What does it mean? Oh, wait now it is Huey Lewis. Where am I? I think I'm at a dance competition, that would explain the 80's music. No, I'm at the dentist. That's funny. Don't laugh, Rachel, that is just so cliche, laughing while on laughing gas. Wait, now back to dancing. "Open your mouth Rachel." Oh, is that part of the dance? That is strange, but I will open my mouth. "You don't have to open your mouth so much, just relax, Rachel." Oh, man, are they going to deduct points for that? Rachel, you are at the dentist, get a grip. And open your mouth,  don't try and unhinge it. Teetotaler is a strange word. I don't think I've ever used teetotaler in a sentence. I should try. But I don't know what it means. I am so freaking high. I can read everyone's mind. I know how to fix the world's problems. I know the secrets to life! I'm not high, I'm enlightened! I need to remember the secret, the secret to world peace is..."Okay all done Rachel, take some time sitting here until you can get up." Crap! I didn't have time to figure it out. Wait, I still feel high. Hey dentist, could you take the metal thing out of my mouth now, it hurts. "There is nothing in there, we are done. Take your time." Okay, I guess I can drive now. Cars are awesome. I'm glad I don't have to ride a horse home. The cars might hit it. Oh, I'm home now, I don't remember getting here. I can't read Rand's mind. I'm going to sit down now.

End scene.

Don't Worry About A Thing

I worry a lot. A lot, a lot. Apparently this is called anxiety (or so my Dr. says, I don't trust doctors though, I think they are all trying to make me sick so they can run expensive tests and make more money). I told him about my problem of worrying all day and he told me to start writing a worry list.  I thought it was stupid and just a way of him getting my money faster without actually having to solve any of the things I was worried about. But then I thought, I LOVE LISTS! and it actually helped. At first. The theory was that instead of worrying all day about anything and everything, I would save them up in a special worry compartment of my brain (that, by my estimate comprises more than half) and then later, during my special worry time, I would write down everything I had worried about during the day. So for the first few times, I would write down the usual: aliens will land and abduct me or everyone but me, highly-evolved government-made robots would emerge from the ocean, become self aware and crush everyone but leave me running for my life (until they get me in the end, this isn't a movie, the main character dies in ALL my stories). So just your run of the mill worries. But then I would think, if the government can create self-aware robots that go insane and kill everyone instead of protecting them, what else is the government doing? Are they watching me write this and saying "Shit, she figured it out, Mr. so and so, take her out.” Then that made me think my kids would be motherless and that is never good.  However crazy I am, they need me. Mostly to protect them from the robots and aliens. So a few weeks in and my lists were getting to over 100 and I was writing so quickly and sometimes forgetting to breathe and then I would finish my list with a nice anxiety attack, lock myself in the closet and try to conjure up any happy thoughts that might be hidden away in my brain, like how my mom  hides money away in really tricky places and then forgets it is there, only to stumble on it later,or... even better, I would find it and take it. But hopefully nobody else finds my happy thoughts. I need them dammit! Find your own!  So I decided that lists weren't really the way to go. I'm doing better now. The hyperventilating that occurred after the worry list was done have subsided. So I'm back to worrying all day. Much better. Gotta go, need to run the "if aliens attack here is our evacuation plan" drill with the kids again.

The end.

P.S. I am watching "Ancient Aliens" right now and I don't want to watch it, but I can't stop, will someone come and smash in my TV please?

Like a Fool I Went And Stayed Too Long...

Now I'm wondering if your love's still strong. I'm yours, signed sealed, delivered.

It is a pity nobody is awake to stop me from these late night posts. Anyway, I was at the UPS store and got that song stuck in my head...and apparently it remains there. Along with all the other useless song lyrics that come to me even when I'd rather they didn't.

But really, it has been awhile. I'd say I'm sorry, but It's hard for me to say I'm sorry...and everybody needs a little time away. Dammit. I can't stop. I don't even know if I got that one right. When I was 15 I worked in a chocolate factory (aka sweatshop) and our boss listened to nothing but Chicago and Journey. Every time I hear them I think of chocolate. It wasn't Willy Wonka. But if it was I would hope I would be Charlie. Or Veruca Salt because her name rocks despite the fact that a mediocre band stole it in the 90's.

But I digress. Actually, I don't. I don't have much to say. I think I reached the black hole of social networking and nobody really cares what I have to say.

Not that it will stop me. Here are some random Rachel rants:

1. Speaking of music, I would just, for the record, like to state my disdain for Coldplay once and for all. I never liked them. I see Chris Martin up there hopping around with his hands in the air and just want to barf. I heard their new song title and I thought it was a joke. "Every teardrop is a waterfall." Or maybe it is every waterfall is a teardrop." It doesn't matter, it has to go down in history as the lamest song title ever. Which goes well with their image.
2. My daughter asked for a Selena Gomez CD. It still would have been worse if she asked for Coldplay. We have a strict NO DISNEY VENTRILOQUIST DUMMIES in our house, but Rand is nicer than me and pointed out that I once owned a Milli Vanilli tape. Who were actually ventriloquist. Well, minus someone's hand...never mind, you get it.
3. My little boy went to kindergarten this week. I hear all these moms talk about how happy they are to send their kids away, but I just want him to stay home and not be influenced by the big bad ugly world. And possibly hear Coldplay. Ironically, I'm pretty sure other parents view our family as the definition of "the big bad ugly world."
4. for actual definition of "Big, Bad, Ugly World, see: "Kardashian." I won't elaborate because I will vomit. When is California going to detach from the US and float into the sea? Not soon enough, that is when.
5. A few people have told me I shouldn't be so bitter in my blog/facebook posts because I am going to piss someone off and get myself in trouble. That pissed me off. I'm more concerned about that aspect of the situation.
6. I am old (see #3). Myself and my longtime OFF (only friend forever) Andrea sent our kids off to the same school, hers in 1st grade, mine in 3rd and K. What the hell? Weren't we just barely annoying teenagers who thought we were better than everyone else and that the world was messed up and we had it all figured out? Oh, how things change so drastically.
7. Last, but not least as a friendly reminder...take the damn stickers of your family stick personas off of your minivan. I saw one today with the mom, dad, kids in their sport's uniforms and names. Do you want to give the child molesters your address and family password too? Seriously?! I realize I am posting this on an open blog where I mention my children. I'm not perfect. But I don't put stickers proclaiming my ability to reproduce on my car either.

To leave you with something uplifting...go read anything by Johnathan Franzen. Genius. And rent "Never Let Me Go." Scared the sh*t out of me. I think it was meant to be a love story, but trust me that is not that part that stayed with me. Wait, that wasn't uplifting. But such a great movie. And I usually hate Keira Knightley. I can't focus on anything but her crooked mouth. Crap, not ending positive. I love Andrew Garfield!!!

Good to see your face again...good to see you

Okay...obscure song lyric this time, but it is late and I'm tired. Neil Young always come to mind at these times of night.

It has been awhile and I feel like I need to catch up, even if just to remind myself what has happened in this whirlwind of a summer so far.

1. I got laid off. It sucked. I freaked out.

2. Freak out lasted 3 days and then I got an offer on a job I applied for a long time ago. They were slow in offering, but it was actually a good thing. I can't say much more on why it was good that I got laid off instead of just leaving. You are all very smart. Just saying.

3. My new employer is WGU, Western Governors University...and I love it. I love getting out of Network Marketing and out of Utah County. Change is good. The people are awesome, the work is hard and challenging and it has been awhile since I have really felt challenged to better myself. Better yet, in 6 months I get to go to school at a ridiculously cheap rate and get the teaching degree I always wanted. Or Marketing. I haven't decided yet. I always wanted to teach highschool despite the fact that I hated my highschool experience and teenagers drive me crazy. But I don't usually go by logic for my life decisions.

4. WGU let me wait 3 weeks to start, so I had about a month of awesome summertime with my kids, and we fit in a lot. We went to Oregon to visit Rand's brother and had a great time. Heidi, if you are reading this, you are amazing and we had the best time. I relaxed, rested my back and had a blast. We went to Cannon beach (think end of Goonies) and we had great weather, played in the sand, and found huge intact sand dollars at low tide. Collin was taken out by a crazy rogue wave, but the sand dollar was worth it, I'm sure. We are still finding sand in his ears and other places.

5. Maura turned 8, despite my explicit instructions to remain 7. She also formed a band. She may correct me later, but I think they are called "Breaking Through Highwires" or BTH for short. There are three members and a manager (older brother of founding member) who gets to make all their decisions. This could end badly. For now they go in the backyard and sing their hearts out and it is awesome. Maura wrote a beautiful song about an owl but she won't let me post it because "MOMMY, IT ISN'T FINISHED YET, I AM STILL RE-WRITING!!!"

6. Collin is crazy. Good crazy, but one crazy, tall, string-bean of a goof ball. All the girls love him, all the boys want to be his friend. He doesn't care because that is just how cool he is. He pretty much wears nothing but his Beatles and Arcade Fire shirts. Can't complain there. He builds things out of random toys and household items items and wants to design buildings and roads one day. Or be in a band. I think that is just for the groupies though. He has his dark side. We went to the cemetery the other day to visit my Grandpa and sister's graves (Maura has had a strange desire to do this for a long time. I despise cemeteries, so resisted, but finally gave in). We should have explained the purpose of our visit. Collin thought we were going to dig up our loved ones and say hello. I didn't want to explain decomposition, so we nicely said no, we won't do that today, let's just leave flowers instead.

7. Max's reign of terror continues. He scares me, I'm not going to lie. I thought he would get better once he learned to talk, but now instead of screaming, he can scream insults. But then he gets cute and cuddly and those blond curls make all the scratch marks and bruises on me seem like a distant memory...

8. Life is crazy. Life is good. Life is insanely, utterly exhausting.

The end.